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Submarining, a toxic dating trend that’s rising, might be worse than ghosting, relationship experts say. Here’s why.
People who engage in this frustrating behavior often disappear without explanation—sometimes for days, weeks, or even months—only to reappear and try to reconnect as if nothing happened. This can be deeply confusing and emotionally unsettling, especially when it initially feels like they have ghosted you for good. Their inconsistent behavior sends mixed signals about their intentions and feelings, drawing you into their sticky web of unresolved insecurities.
“People may choose to resurface for a lot of reasons, but more often than not, it’s out of insecurity or boredom,” Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach, told Men’s Health in 2020. “Maybe they just stopped seeing someone, maybe they’re sick of being trapped indoors, or maybe they just need some validation and are hoping to get it from you. Whatever the reason, it’s pretty unlikely that it’s because this person actually cares about you. It’s more likely that they want someone to talk to and make them feel good about themselves.”
As therapist Mary Jo Rapini pointed out in her 2021 YouTube video, submariners are typically self-absorbed and some are “so bold” that when they do come back around, they often “blame their partner for being so sensitive,” when confronted about their toxic behavior. This is why when a submariner does resurface, it’s best to run the other way.
“This person has already shown you that they are inconsistent, insensitive, and it’s all about them and they aren’t able to communicate well,” Rapini said.
Online dating has fueled the rise of this toxic trend, according to Rapini. The anonymity of dating apps makes it easier for emotionally immature individuals to lie and engage in unhealthy behaviors without accountability. People often forget there’s a real person behind the screen, which can lead to a lack of empathy and consideration, something we’d be more likely to show in face-to-face interactions.
How do you confront a submariner?
If you’re dealing with a submariner at the moment—don’t panic. First, understand that it’s not you. Submariners are dealing with their own insecurities and complex emotions around romance and it’s certainly not your job to fix them.
Source: fotostorm
While Rapini advises against giving a submariner a second chance, she acknowledges that if you do decide to let them back into your life, it’s essential to proceed with caution and establish clear, firm boundaries. If they can’t meet your expectations or demonstrate genuine respect, Rapini said it’s best to send them packing.
“I don’t care how much you like them. What’s going to end up happening is once you take them back, you are setting up and enabling this pattern of inconsistency. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll leave again, what it does mean is that they’ll do this in the future, like when you have a kid per se.”
She added, “This inconsistency, this type of behavior, follows someone until they want to repair it and it’s all on their calendar. You can not make someone change to fit your needs.”
Have you been a victim of submarining or ghosting? Tell us about how you handled it in the comments section.
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